the start of something new

its time to change. stop all these nonsense. break away from everything. i already have an ugly past, i do not want to have a ugly future. i hope that people wont find out so that they would still like me. im going to get a new number. change everything. enough is enough. i need cleansing.

dont leave me, please.

sad, my previous post disappeared.

anyway, i was saying. i told A about this blog. i only told him i have it but i didnt tell him what is it about and where is it.

i reckon that he would never speak to me ever again after reading this. im afraid of losing my family and friends. all of them mean alot to me. i myself, would be too ashamed to face them. i feel so dirty.

someone told me to open up to the world and tell them im gay. the thing is, i'm not gay. at least i think im not. i like girls, i want to marry them. i want to have kids and i want to start a family. boys, i really donno what to feel about them. none of those whom i had sex with had i ever loved or even liked. i seriously have no idea why i did it. i would never have done it if i knew the consequences.

im scared. really scared. my life is alrd so screwed up when im only 18. i suck.

I felt lonely. I went online again to chat up people. One of them told me to go clubbing with my gay friends so that i can find more gay friends. Problem is, i dont have any gay friends, let alone bring me to a club.

L talked to me again the other day. My heart raced like it never did. I know deep down in my heart that nothing will ever come out between us. I need him only as a friend. He is a good friend.

On the night when we played blind mice, I collided with cute A. We held each other's hands ( i have no idea why). It went on for quite awhile before we let go. It felt weird, but nice. I would sometimes think that he's gay but no, i dont think he is. we're just friends.

I think i have obsessions with hot people (who isnt?). I view their profiles nearly every day. It's been a long time since i had sex.

Laksa

i wanted so badly to go online and get myself a prostitue. i want to have sex with a girl, to see what its like. my friends tell me to get a gf to and have sex with her. but no, im not that kind of guy. i respect girls who respest their bodies and i defnitely wouldnt fool around and play with their feelings. thats the good thing i suppose. i wanna marry my next girlfriend, i hope. i want to have a kid soon.

Rewind.

We met at his house. We didnt have sex. He touched me, thats it. What i liked about it was that he actually likes me. I wasnt interested, not at all. he paid me 150dollars. i still feel dirty even when i didnt have sex.

i have no idea my first blowjob would be from a guy. we did it in a toilet. i dont know. i didnt feel as nice as it was told. i regretted it right from the start. up till now. why? why did i do it?

i dont wanna meet anymore online people anymore.

He was ugly, had bad breath and... boring. We watched a movie together. I saw A on the way. A made me realised what i was doing. I felt like telling that guy that i wanted to go out with A and that i didnt like him at all. but, you know, im too nice to reject anyone. I was so afraid that A would suspect something. I felt sick, so sick. im not good at rejecting. i need to change. i didnt have to do anything at his house. he blew me, thats all. i just wanted to leave.