the start of something new

its time to change. stop all these nonsense. break away from everything. i already have an ugly past, i do not want to have a ugly future. i hope that people wont find out so that they would still like me. im going to get a new number. change everything. enough is enough. i need cleansing.

dont leave me, please.

sad, my previous post disappeared.

anyway, i was saying. i told A about this blog. i only told him i have it but i didnt tell him what is it about and where is it.

i reckon that he would never speak to me ever again after reading this. im afraid of losing my family and friends. all of them mean alot to me. i myself, would be too ashamed to face them. i feel so dirty.

someone told me to open up to the world and tell them im gay. the thing is, i'm not gay. at least i think im not. i like girls, i want to marry them. i want to have kids and i want to start a family. boys, i really donno what to feel about them. none of those whom i had sex with had i ever loved or even liked. i seriously have no idea why i did it. i would never have done it if i knew the consequences.

im scared. really scared. my life is alrd so screwed up when im only 18. i suck.

I felt lonely. I went online again to chat up people. One of them told me to go clubbing with my gay friends so that i can find more gay friends. Problem is, i dont have any gay friends, let alone bring me to a club.

L talked to me again the other day. My heart raced like it never did. I know deep down in my heart that nothing will ever come out between us. I need him only as a friend. He is a good friend.

On the night when we played blind mice, I collided with cute A. We held each other's hands ( i have no idea why). It went on for quite awhile before we let go. It felt weird, but nice. I would sometimes think that he's gay but no, i dont think he is. we're just friends.

I think i have obsessions with hot people (who isnt?). I view their profiles nearly every day. It's been a long time since i had sex.